As I’m sure you are all aware president Obama is set to make his big comeback to the US and public life after pretending to write his memoirs on a mega yacht with Oprah and Tom Hanks (WILSON!!!!!!!). Here’s an excerpt of his first draft that will be later turned into dramatic prose by a little known college professor and spontaneous combustion enthusiast.
Chapter 1
Barack’s version: Sat down to watch a rerun of SportCenter at 11 after calling SlowJoe and a quick workout with Mooch. Fell asleep. Woke up during the nooner of SC just in time to see Venus Williams winning some white shit tourney for the third time. Man, what an ass. I’d like to put a Mike Tyson mask on her and lay into them hindquarters. Trump sucks! San Demus High School rules!
Ayers version: Five Nine score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of captivity.
Anyhoo, according to the gossip girls and the NYT (linked above), he will steadfastly refuse to criticize the current president and instead focus on his usual crap that no one cares about—–while giving a speech in front of the Brandenburg Gate with Merkel.
This is the biggest eye roll I could find, yet it still ins’t big enough
FFS, go away. Stay in French Polynesia where you belong, lightbringer.
In other news that is timely, yet to be worn, and bears repeating, she-who-must-not-be-cackled will never be president. And her little dog too!